I finally found how to describe this feeling, slowly destroying me from within.
It's like a huge hole has been punched through my chest (c) New Moon, Bella. So It's really feels like that.
It seems to me that I'm in a place, almost lightless and soundless. So soundless, that it's getting me pressed with an air, and so lightless, that I can't even understand that i'm alive. This place makes me feel breathless and I can't speak a world, 'cause I don't know how to do it and i'm really afraid of any sound I make.
Heavy heart beat, heavy and really slow. Time doesn't have any matters here, it's not even pain there, it's no-thing. Trying to feel myself alive with fake emotions and with living someone's lives , but it can't help, of course. Not a decision, just an attempt to survive. I'm trying.
Always want to hug myself and cry in a shower, 'cause I want to cry out this hole from my chest, to wash away this emptyness and indifference. And can't. I'm helpless in this place.
Right now I'm... ill. I hope so. I prefer to perceive my condition as illness, then anything else.
The hysterical stupid lamb -)
Makes me wanna cry too, but I can't. Can't... as always, when It's connected with you.
I сalm myself with music. Not soundless time -)
Now i don't want. I need. And it's so stupid... The stupidest thing i ever made.